Summertime is my favorite season because it summons happy childhood memories of camping, fireworks, swimming, sleeping in, eating fresh fruit, and playing outside. Even as an adult these are the things I enjoy most about the summer months. Summer invites us to play. If we mimic nature’s rhythm we plant in the spring (invest or give), then we water and wait through the summer (maintain and play). In the fall we harvest (gather and receive) and finally, we rest in the winter (preserve and enjoy). If we adopt this rhythm into our daily lives it can help us balance our energy too.
Mother Nature As Our Model
It's important for Highly Sensitives to invest in self-care regularly, and by this, I mean daily. We need to build in multiple opportunities to take mini rests throughout the day. Quiet moments to breathe deep, enjoy something beautiful, or download thoughts and emotions.
Maintain your peace by eating before you get angry from over-hunger and staying hydrated to avoid headaches and brain fog. Laughter and movement will also help maintain your energy and mood.
Receive help when it’s offered and ask for it when necessary. We don’t need to do everything just because we do it well. Finishing with less than perfect standards is okay too.
Eight to ten hours of sleep is ideal even if your'e just lounging in bed. Allow yourself an additional one or two hours of rest each day. For some this happens first thing in the morning, for others it’s in the evening. Let this be a time where you just do your thing… whatever it is that you enjoy.
Many Highly Sensitives (but not all) enjoy nature-centered forms of play. We can draw energy from being in nature and around animals. I love watching the squirrels and rabbits play chase in my backyard... guessing who will win and how they will escape being caught. And as I swim or swing in the hammock appreciating the sounds and sights of nature it relaxes and grounds me. It’s a subtle reminder that we are all just a piece of a much larger puzzle.
My Summertime Intention: GROWTH THROUGH PLAY
As I do at every season change, I set an intention by displaying a decorative word in my living room. This time I did not remove the word “GROW” to hang the word "PLAY". Instead, I let GROW stay on the wall above my indoor wall plants and added the word PLAY to my piano. I'm displaying both because there is growth and maturity that happens when we play. It takes practice to learn how to recover well from a loss, play fair, create teamwork, share the spotlight, and not lose your temper when a mistake is made by yourself or a teammate. Play helps us mature by teaching us that we have an impact on others; both good and bad.
Many times I’ve dreamt of becoming a play or art therapist because so many life skills are learned from play. Richard Louv’s book, Last Child in the Woods- Saving Our Children from the Nature- Deficit Disorder was my favorite book when I graduated with my degree in permaculture gardening fifteen years ago. For about 5 years I was the director of a community garden at a Christian non-profit organization. Most, but not all, of our participants were children and teens. I remember the bright-eyed joy of a teenager who received an intuitive message about love and romance from a jalapeño plant! Whether in nature or indoors, play is a necessary and helpful reminder to not take things too seriously and to enjoy the moment. If you want ideas on how to rest or play download my free pdf. 50 WAYS TO PLAY.
WHAT IF I'M NOT A PLAYFUL PERSON?
The barrier to play can come from our layers of trauma. If your primary caretakers didn't play with you, this was an unmet need (a trauma) similar to not being seen, heard, fed, clothed, or protected. When childhood needs are unmet or inconsistent we develop attachment pain. When we become dysregulated by attachment pain we can struggle to get our minds out of a fight, flight, or fear response. It’s hard to play well or enjoy the experience when we are feeling guarded and aggressive. Playing well with others takes a certain level of maturity and relational skills. We might have past experiences of a person going too far in play until it’s no longer fun. Learning how to detect signs of overwhelm so that we can adjust our play style is something people learn with practice.
Noticing when someone is triggered is another set of skills that maturity and modeling help us learn. A clue that I’m feeling triggered by trauma is when doing becomes more important than being; I am no longer feeling the need to be relational, present, or respond like my true self. For example, when I’d rather fix a problem, make my point, or keep busy instead of engaging or connecting with the person I care about I can tell that I’m feeling afraid, unsafe, or triggered.
According to Karl Lehman, author of the book Outsmarting Yourself: Catching Your Past Invading the Present and What to Do About It; there are things we can do to help ourselves and others move from this triggered state to a calmer, more playful, and rested state of being. He says sometimes giving additional information helps resolve the immediate pain stemming from childhood attachment pain. For example, If you and your partner are arguing about how one person feels scared when they come home and the door is not locked, the other can give more information to explain. “I left the door unlocked because I knew you were coming home soon and wanted to make it easier for you. Now that I know that you feel unsafe when I do this, I will lock it behind myself if I get home before you.” Other times talking, or giving more information does not fix the problem. In those cases, just being with someone we love who can model attunement and quieting skills (for example deep breathing) is what’s needed before you can rationally talk it out. Being in the presence of a loved one (without talking) can help regulate fear responses enough to re-establish a sense of safety.
HOW DO WE LIVE OUR LIVES FEELING PEACEFUL, CLEAR-MINDED, AND BEING OURSELVES?
The reality is that we all become triggered and it’s unrealistic to strive to live 100% of your life in a state of zen. We can start by identifying when we are triggered. Can you view a trigger as a gift that leads you to the next place to focus on healing? Once you notice that you’re impulsively reacting instead of responding like you’d prefer to you can take steps to quiet your racing heart and mind.
1. Find a loved one who will sit with you and mirror back your emotions nonverbally.
2. If nobody is available, breathe deeply through your nose as you remind your child self that your adult self is here for you now and isn’t leaving. Your triggers may take various forms such as a migraine, panic attack, digestive pain, insomnia, rage, sleepiness, or any other host of things. The next time you have a symptom where you don’t feel like yourself- try giving your body and mind a compassionate response by saying, “Thank you for letting me know that something feels scary, sad, or hurtful. I’m going to pause and listen to you now. I’m not mad at you for getting my attention in this way and I’m not going to try to silence or hide you. I’m going to look you in the eye and be curious about why you feel this way. We’re in this together and I’m not going to leave you stranded to cope with this alone. This is a priority and others can wait.”
3. When I first began to talk to myself compassionately it felt so awkward, partly because it hadn’t been modeled to me, and partly because my cultural upbringing conditioned me to think that self-love was selfish. Once I started getting curious about what happened to spark the trigger of strong emotions, I would journal about it. This quieted my soul enough to talk about it with a counselor or a friend later.
4. Tapping along with EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) guides on YouTube was also helpful because I didn’t know how to talk about it. I learned how by listening to Brad Yates give me examples.
5. A huge part of my healing that was and continues to be helpful is the Immanuel Prayer journaling. You may not have noticed but, a lot of comforting responses are found in the Immanuel Prayer practice (quieting fears with gratitude, mirroring being seen and heard, being present, acknowledging the past pain, and offering support) and it only takes 10 minutes!
6. Last but not least, The Grief Recovery Method (GRM) is a wonderful resource, and the Grief Recovery Handbook will guide you through the process and teach you how to find a compassionate listener to participate with you. If you don’t have anyone willing or able to do the process with you, you can email me, and I will support you through it. I work specifically with highly sensitive people. The method, once learned, can be used repeatedly with any loss you encounter; past or present. I encourage you to read the book and see for yourself.
Building some of these self-care routines into your lifestyle will drastically make a difference. You will find that the more you rest and play, the more energy you will have to give and invest in the lives of your loved ones. Try it for 21 days and see for yourself- I dare you!
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