I woke up this morning with this idea developing in my mind:
“What you say to yourself isn’t changing you nearly as much as
how you listen and respond to yourself”.
I keep a dream journal beside my bed to write these kinds of things down as soon as possible before I forget them. I scribbled down the message and then wrote what I could remember of my dream.
In my dream, I was selling glasses to someone and explaining all the benefits their insurance offered. It gives you a discount, an upgrade, a two-year warranty, and so on. They were making a mental list of all the positive aspects they received with the insurance. They felt glad to have it. As I began preparing the order, I asked them questions about their life and what was important to them. I asked about their values of fashion, comfort, durability, which distances they used most (far, intermediate, or reading), outdoor and hobby needs, etc. I wanted to make sure they understood that the real benefit was going to be having better vision, not just that insurance was helping them with the cost.
I put the message into practice almost immediately and I continued writing my mind’s stream of consciousness at 5 am. This process is called “Morning Pages” and is a well-known method of journaling from the best-selling book titled The Artists Way, by Julia Cameron. I highly recommend it. In the hours just after waking your subconscious is less guarded and you can process thoughts and feelings with more clarity and ease. After writing my dream I continued journaling whatever came to mind.
Dear Self,
I have strength.
I have resilience.
I have resources.
I have endless opportunities for change.
But…
What do I want?
What do I feel?
Why do I do that?
What are my conflicting desires?
What is it that you desire the most? I want to be safe. Safe enough to show my softness. I want to be gentle. I think that’s why I desire wealth. I have a belief that money will help me buy safety (a reliable car, a savings account for emergencies, a lawyer to defend me, and a house in a good neighborhood).
What do you feel right now? I feel a little resentment about how I became resilient. Yes, I’m thankful for the character it built in me. I do not give up very easily and I work hard. I feel like I should be rewarded for my efforts and investments. And when I'm not, I feel cheated by life. As if I bought the insurance but didn’t get the glasses. Maybe all I get is peace of mind that the insurance is available in case of emergencies. Isn’t that how it works? The insurance agent feeds my fears and tells me, “If there’s a crisis, we’ll be there to help you” and “We’ll protect you from being overcharged”. But does it really deliver the peace it promises? It’s hard to interpret, controls the doctors I see and where I go, and doesn’t take my personal health needs into account. It feels more like a gang leader offering protection in exchange for my help defending territories and making money selling drugs.
Why do I do the things I do? Why do I spend my energy and resources on things that give me a sense of safety or protection? Because I feel alone. I don’t believe I will be helped. How can I doubt this when my family has helped me countless times? It’s because I don’t want to be beholden. I want to be held.
What are my conflicting desires? Part of me wants to be taken care of. Another part of me wants the security of knowing I can provide for myself and do it my way. I used to think everyone else knew more than me, made better decisions than I did, or had more experience. That’s why I let them take care of me and make decisions for me. I’m changing though, and I’m finally trusting that I know what I need. I’ve reprogrammed the childhood warnings to only trust church and family members, to anticipate a crisis, and to hide from the unknown. I used to follow complicated rules to receive my benefits. Now, I see that I get to choose who I see and where I go. I don’t want fear to guide these decisions anymore. I can trust my own communication with my Higher Power to guide me with love.
Now I don't try so hard to please or impress others because I don’t need them to keep me safe. Instead, I’m investing more in self-love, and viewing relationships with others as a bonus. Others aren’t the "paycheck" that meets my survival needs. Rather, they are a gift that brings me comfort that money can’t buy. I want both self-sufficiency and a healthy dependence on others. Finding a community where I can have both is my goal.
Let’s look again at my dream and consider the two characters as if they are both parts of myself.
The action: explaining the insurance benefits and asking/answering questions.
The emotions: helpful, hopeful, proud, able to purchase, confident.
The setting: at work, in the fitting room.
Interpretation: in my waking life I am understanding what my resources are and how to use them. I’m deciding what I want based on my lifestyle needs and values. I feel hopeful for better experiences in the future that aren’t going to cost me so much. I’m looking for safe communities and trusting that I will be able to identify healthy ones that bring me comfort.
The character who is selling the glasses (let’s call her A) and explaining all the benefits that insurance is offering is so proud and excited to share all that is available. Positive self-talk helps her feel good about her choices. Having a plan and executing it feels empowering. The other character (let’s call her Y) feels like it’s only hopeful and exciting if she actually buys the glasses because, to her, the real deal is seeing and feeling better. It’s only comforting if the plan isn’t too controlling and takes my values into account.
Both A and Y agree that good listening skills are the indicator of a healthy relationship. Asking questions and listening to the responses will help determine a safe community of friends. It takes me back to the opening message and the first thing I was ruminating on when I woke up this morning. “What you say to yourself isn’t changing you nearly as much as how you listen and respond to yourself”. How we listen reveals the motivation to connect or control.
Do they know what I want?
Do they care what I feel?
Do they want to understand why I behave like I do?
Do they try to understand the values and motivations of my desires?
If my internal parts can ask and listen to the answers in a responsive way then surely I will be able to ask and listen and respond to others similarly. This is why I’m going to “be the change I want to see in the world”. It starts with me- listening to me. I can be proud of my positive affirmations, recognize my true identity, and see my character traits as a resource. I can have different desires and still hold them both. I can feel comforted knowing my values were heard when I acknowledge that both parts of me worked together to carry the load of survival and both have kept me safe. I feel like we are a team of three that protects my values, my body, my plans, my feelings, and my identity. Thank you, A. Thank you, Y. I'm glad you're with me.