Betrayal from divorce, a difficult childhood, or relationships with addicts are some, but not all, of the reasons we struggle with self-doubt. It’s normal to assume that a parent, pastor, or lover will tell you the truth. We also expect them to care about our well-being. When we find out that they are not who we thought they were it’s a traumatic discovery and can even cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It becomes complex trauma when there is a history of chronic stress of this nature. Determining if you should trust people after betrayal is challenging because we have bonded with them and the thought of being alone is so frightening. We also feel ashamed for questioning the deception for so long before taking action.
Why Does Betrayal Happen?
You may be prone to tolerate abuse if you grew up in an environment where someone else’s needs and desires were prioritized over yours. Perhaps you felt neglected because your parents were emotionally immature. Your survival technique was probably to quietly comply or become the caregiver. As an adult, those patterns of not asking for what you need and putting others first continue. People who want to be the center of attention of naturally seek a caretaking partner, employee, or friendship. You stay together because the roles feel familiar to both of you and you haven't learned a different way of relating yet.
How Betrayal Impacts Trust
If you’ve been in relationships where there has been deception and gaslighting then you’re likely plagued with high levels of self-doubt. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that causes a person to question their beliefs and perceptions of reality. Your intuition and self-trust are tested every time someone tries to persuade you to believe their version of truth instead of your own. When loved ones doubt what you say and do- you begin to too.
Highly sensitive people (HSP's) intuitively observe subtleties that others don’t notice. Call it whatever you like; claircognizance, discernment, or a word of knowledge. Some kinds of intuitive knowing are hard to explain because they are spiritual or energetic. Trying to explain that we observe these things to a person who can’t is like trying to describe color to a blind person. I remember the first time someone told me they could see colors in my aura. I couldn't see them so I told them they sounded crazy! Now, I'm learning to treat others with kindness even when their perspective, odor, tone of voice, or behavior feels uncomfortable to me.
How To Recover From Betrayal
1. BE HONEST ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL AND EXPRESS IT. Being honest about how we feel can be hard for highly sensitive people because we feel things deeply. Non-HSP friends and family sometimes admonish us for being too anxious, too picky, too sad, or too annoyed by lights, sounds, temperatures, and smells. Find a way to express yourself that honors your personality. Journal, write a short story, song lyrics, or a poem. Many HSP’s are creatives so making an artistic expression of your feelings will be unique to you. It’s important to move your body too. Go for a walk or jog, go kayaking, play a sport, or simply punch a pillow or scream into it.
2. ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED. If you’ve had countless people and experiences of being told you’re wrong or “too sensitive” then it’s likely you have ignored, dismissed, and denied the expression of some feelings. The problem is, emotions eventually erupt with unexpected intensity. I used to dismiss my hunger cues because it was inconvenient for others. I would regret it later when I snapped at someone in anger or made mistakes that took longer to fix than a snack break would have taken. Other times we may avoid asking for help because it’s easier than accepting the truth that others CAN meet your needs but they just don’t WANT to.
I have played the role of a martyr who made others’ needs a priority before my own. I used to work at a non-profit where I allowed my supervisor to control my schedule. I regularly worked on my days off. There was always a crisis or someone who needed help. I gave because I believed I needed to say “yes” to prove my love and loyalty. I was exhausted from over-giving and I blamed others when I didn't act like myself. Self-care is the reason we make boundaries. It is about making sure your needs are met so that the best version of you is what the world meets. When you don’t know what you want or need, just ask yourself, “What would a person who loves themselves do?”
3. ASK THE QUESTIONS EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWERS. Just like the early years of my failing marriage, I didn’t want to ask questions that lead to knowing the harsh truth. Fear kept me quiet and fuming. I was afraid that life would get harder than it already was. Sometimes life has to get harder before it can get better. Go ahead and ask, “What would I do if my worst fear became a reality? Why do I believe that I can’t face that fear? What happened to make me believe these lies?” Don’t do this alone. Find a therapist and support group where others have experienced the same kind of betrayal and keep showing up even when you feel like giving up.
Life After Betrayal
When you're ready to learn a new way, the teachers will appear. My teachers came in the form of people who struggled with the same things I did: stuffing and hiding who we really were so we would be loved and accepted by those around us. I believe that our external world reflects our internal state. What is within- will manifest outwardly. Now, when I see something happening in my life, I ask myself, “How am I creating this?”
It took many years for me to stop blaming others for the hurtful ways they treated me before I questioned myself about the state of my heart and why I had allowed it. I realized that I was desperate for external validation from my family, my career, and my relationships because I didn’t believe I was lovely. Once I started loving myself more, I naturally wanted to take better care of myself too. It became easier to forgive people and appreciate the lessons they taught me when I realized that I had attracted them- to teach me a better way of relating.
How To Build Self Trust
Self-validation is the process I’m adventuring into in 2022. Last year I was introduced to the idea of connecting with my inner self by a career coach who taught me about appreciating both my masculine and feminine qualities. As an entrepreneur, we need to use both the driven, thinking, protective parts of us just as much as the soul-led, receiving, and feeling parts of us. There is a time and place for both. Empaths who are business owners use feminine qualities to birth the creative ideas and masculine qualities to accomplish them.
My next life coach taught me a practice that helped put this into daily practice. Similar to Internal Family Systems (IFS) I began building a sense of trust in my masculine part, feminine part, and my body. I’ve been having candid conversations with my parts, which feels like an informal family meeting. I check in with my parts by asking them how they feel, what they think, or if they have any suggestions or hesitations before I make a decision. I'm not going to force or fake the appearance of a happy family, either. I'm waiting for alignment. I tell them,
“I’m inviting you to join us but there’s no pressure to talk, agree or participate. I just don’t want to ignore or dismiss you anymore. I’ve changed. I’m grown up now and I don’t want to operate like I used to. I really do want to include you because I love you. I want you to know that I appreciate all the times and ways you’ve been there for me. I want to start being there for you too. I don’t want to abandon us. I want to learn how to love and take care of each of you.”
Our team building has started with play. I’m finding out what I like to do without having an agenda for healing. It’s just about making fun memories together, mostly making art together and creating safe spaces for feelings to be expressed. I want them [myself] to feel seen, heard, known, and loved by me. I want them to know that their big emotions won’t scare me anymore. I can listen to their fears, accept where they are, and sit with them through it without judgment. This means I won’t try to fix or change them or try to hide them.
As a highly sensitive do you feel ashamed or fearful of your intense emotions? My intention this year is to no longer be motivated by fear, but rather love. I will lead with love and Unhurried Asking by asking for what I want and need without rushing its delivery. I will be grateful if it comes and content if it doesn’t. This is the pathway of surrender.
This blogging series will be about how I invite my inner self to dialogue about what burdens us and how we can internally support each other. I will reparent myself in a compassionate way that builds trust within. My goal is self-love between the parts of me that want different things and also fear different things.
If this article has sparked a curiosity in you about what it would be like to work with me- please email me at amelia.breugem@gmail.com. If you want to learn how to determine if a person is trustworthy, just schedule a coaching session with me. If you want to learn more about the special self-care requirements HSP’s need and how to rebuild trust in your intuitive guidance- then sign up for my Grounding Intensive.
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