Whether it’s Mother’s Day or any holiday, it’s easy to look at others and compare our life to theirs, isn’t it? Holidays are the times we fantasize about how they could have and should have been. We all want to create happy holiday memories for ourselves and our children and because of this, holidays can be reminders of what we don’t have, can’t give, or wish were different.
Are you feeling forgotten? Tired? Broke? Do you long to be lovingly pampered? Are you resentful that if anything gets planned it’s going to have to be you that organizes it? I know. It feels exhausting. These are normal and natural feelings for single parents.
This week while receiving a massage at the salon I heard this clairaudient message: “Take comfort knowing it won’t always feel so tight and uncomfortable. Trust that God will send people to help work it out for you- gently and enjoyably. It doesn’t always have to be you that works it out alone.”
Take a deep breath, single moms… and pace yourself for the relay. Look for those people in your path who can (and want to) help you. Go ahead and ask God to send them. Your job is to look for them and receive them when help arrives.
Through many years of holiday disappointments, I’ve learned a few things. It helps to plan ahead! I pamper myself the entire week before the celebration day. My self-care needs vary depending on where I’m at with my menstrual cycle. Sometimes I need a clean and orderly house to relax. Other times I need more physical rest, and CHOCOLATE!
Here are some ideas of how I show myself compassion the week leading up to a holiday:
I eat out (or better) more often.
I schedule myself a massage or cranial sacral therapy. When money is tight I listen to pre-recorded sound therapy.
I eat dessert more often.
I do fewer chores.
I buy myself fresh flowers.
I invite a friend to lunch or a movie.
I go to bed early (turning off the Wi-Fi and allowing the kids to put themselves to bed).
I buy or make a gift for another single mom and remind myself of how much life has changed for me since the divorce.
On holidays like Mother’s Day and Christmas when gift-giving is appropriate, I give the kids money to buy me a card and a gift, and I even drive them to the store. I also buy my mother a card and gift because it feels so good to give. I want my children to feel what that’s like, even if I must be the one who organizes it. I’m determined to enjoy Mother’s Day because being a mom is my favorite role. I’m a teacher by nature so I really do enjoy investing in learning how to become a better parent and helping them learn about themselves.
Even though I enjoy parenting, the desire to bemoan single parenting is real. What can we do when we do feel tired, sad, and lonely so often? I strive to focus on what I have instead of what I don’t have. According to Emily Fletcher, the founder of Ziva, a well-known meditation training site, gratitude is a "natural antidepressant". She believes the effects of gratitude, when practiced daily can be almost the same as medications. When we express gratitude our brain releases dopamine and serotonin, the two crucial neurotransmitters responsible for our emotions, and they physically make us feel good almost immediately.
By consciously practicing gratitude every day, we can help these neural pathways to strengthen themselves and build our capacity for returning to joy from sadness. So, instead of getting stuck in a sadness loop, we can pull ourselves out (so to speak) with a daily practice of gratitude.
How To Prevent Yourself From Getting Stuck In Holiday Sadness
Limit your time on social media for as long as necessary that day (or week). Comparing yourself to others does not help you feel better. You may think that it does if they are worse off than you. Yes, it can be validating to know that others are going through hard times too but, as an empath, it can be saddening to see, hear, and absorb others’ feelings as you read their posts. We all have difficulties in life. Our difficulties teach us how to become better versions of ourselves… so our challenges will all be different, and tailor-made for each person. It’s not fair to compare our sufferings to each other.
Feeling misunderstood can lead to sadness. Not being invited to gatherings you used to be welcomed at can be a huge disappointment. Realize that people don’t always know what to say to you or may decide to ignore the awkward conversation entirely. People are afraid of saying the wrong thing. They also may unknowingly say something that feels insensitive. You can reply, “I know you didn’t intend to [fill in the blank] but your question/comment/exclusion caught me by surprise, and I need to take some time to think about why it affected me like it did before I respond.” There are also ways to answer well-meaning inquiries without lying or giving a long story about the recent drama with your ex. When someone asks how you are celebrating the holiday, you can say “I have a quiet weekend planned with some of my favorite things and/or people… what are your plans?” Or, “I don’t have the kids with me this holiday so I’m still deciding how to spend my time. I prefer to [be in nature/volunteer] do you have any suggestions?”
Try not to withdraw into isolation. Look to balance your holiday with some social time with friends by asking for what you need. For example, you can ask, “I know you have a busy day planned but can I stop by with a gift? Or, “I’m feeling lonely, can I steal you away from your festivities for a 30-minute walk or phone call?"
Be honest about how you feel. Journaling and dream interpretation help me identify how I truly feel. I keep a notebook in my bed so I can write the dreams down as soon as I wake up. The next day I look to see what emotions the characters in the dreams were expressing and question if I have any waking life examples of similar feelings.
When I’m honest about how I feel leading up to a holiday, I’m making a conscious effort to neither hide nor stuff these feelings. If, and when, I do choose to stuff them it’s as if I’m saying to myself, “You’re not allowed to express because I don’t like you. You embarrass me. You’re unwelcome because I can’t be happy when you are present”.
Does this sound familiar? Can you imagine the voice tone and picture the accompanying facial expression? Does it remind you of something you may have heard in childhood? “If you’re going to cry and throw a fit then go to your room until you’re finished!”
I don’t want to mother myself (or my children) in that way. I want to gently tell my sad parts, “I see that you’re unhappy. Do you want to talk about it or do you just want me to hold you for a while?” When the latter is chosen, I spend time quieting on my hammock, in the bathtub, or on my recliner.
According to psychologist Dr. Jim Wilder, who teaches trauma recovery at Life Model Works, when our brains feel attachment pain, there are 5 different “levels of desynchronization pain” [overwhelm] which require different solutions. Quieting, mirroring emotions, or offering an example are a few solutions. Other times talking or journaling about things makes us feel better because we need to have more information. And, sometimes we’re too overwhelmed for words and just need someone we love to be with us; accepting us just as we are- tears and all.
When I sit with myself in moments of deep emotion, I want to send the message that my feelings are accepted and welcomed. Also, that I am loved and loveable even when I have big feelings. After years of practice, I now have the emotional capacity to give myself calm attention instead of punishment, isolation, or shame messages. I'm securely attached with my self/parts!
I learned how to do this through a process called Immanuel Prayer. It’s been a spiritual practice of mine for about 5 years that I love. It’s a blend of neurotheology, attachment theory, and journaling. Learning how to be with someone upset without ourselves becoming anxious, exhausted, or overwhelmed is a skill that takes practice. I’ll explain how Immanuel Prayer works in my next blog post.
For now- I’m wishing all the single mom’s a week full of gratitude, honesty, acceptance, and special moments with your children. Make a list if you need to and invite others to add what they are thankful for too!
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