My friends and I were talking about parenting our teens and how it’s hard to know when to give advice or when to listen. We decided it would be best to just ask them instead of guessing what they wanted. Also, how we wish we would tell them that we have confidence that they will make the right decision. It’s normal for parents to want to help their kids avoid pain. It’s also common for us to worry about how their choices might make us look bad or cause problems even though we also believe failure is the best teacher. After our conversation about parenting, my friends and I began sharing our worries about health issues; how we want to avoid pain and looking bad! The same issue, just different ways of manifesting. Ultimately, we want to be healthy and we want our family members to be healthy. We laughed about how our pre-menopausal bodies were just as hard to understand as our teenagers!
The teen years are full of firsts. Driving, dating, jobs, puberty, and sometimes mental health issues and death. Changes can be difficult to navigate and accept. They are especially difficult because the teen brain is individuating, and they naturally want to create their own communities of belonging aside from the ones their parents have made. It is age-appropriate behavior for our teens to turn to their friends for comfort and support. The parent and teen must learn to relate to each other differently. Mothers are so used to fixing problems that it becomes second nature to offer help. I know this isn’t a newsflash to you, dear reader, but it’s not so easy to change the lifelong habits of how we relate to our teenage children. It’s especially difficult when pre-menopause hormones meet face-to-face with pubescent hormones.
It may feel unfortunate that the mother's body is beginning to go through “the change” of pre-menopause at the same time their kids are becoming teens. I am beginning to think this was a brilliant design to help me be more understanding. I’m experiencing a lot of firsts with my body while they are too. It’s frustrating because I’m losing control over things I used to manage well. I want things to go on as they have been; where I’m the only one driving and everyone follows my schedule. Even on the rare occasions that I keep my complaints to myself, my body (just like my teens) senses my judgments anyway. There’s obvious tension, stiffness, and rejection. I catch myself complaining about my body and my children in similar tones.
“Why don’t you listen to me? I know you heard me.”
“Wake up! You need to go to bed earlier if you can’t get up on time.”
“Hurry up! I don’t have time for this.”
“That doesn’t fit you. You should change.”
“I thought I knew you! I’ve lived with you your entire life. Who are you?”
This realization caused me to wonder if I had expectations about my children that began with an expectation about myself. I believe that the way we treat ourselves is predictive of the way we will treat others. So, I asked myself, “Do I expect my children to impress others and do what I want because that’s how I make demands on myself?” If so, how can I have more compassion for both?
These questions didn’t come after one conversation with friends. My journey of having more self-love has been developing for years. My parenting approach was evolving as I became more self-aware. My kids were going to learn best by watching me grow through my challenges. The truth of what I believe will show in my actions more than in my words. If I want them to be loving and healthy, I need to model a healthy and loving lifestyle. I believed that loving my changing body with all its limitations would help. One of the methods that helped me achieve this goal was writing letters to my body. Here’s an example.
Honestly,
I curled you and decorated you to fit in.
I thought if I highlighted you, I would belong to the “in crowd”.
I had a fantasy of what you could be and who I could be with you.
But my roots told a different story.
They would not comply with the story I wanted people to believe.
How does one become “not me”?
By denying me.
What do I have against the “in crowd”?
That they deny me. Make rules for me. Judge me for not being like them.
Did this all start with me?
Can this all end with me?
Necessary endings can be the start of necessary beginnings.
I can choose to accept myself.
I can choose self-compassion.
I can disregard their rules for me.
I can create belonging within.
I can replace toxic hope with real hope;
“They will change” with “I will change”.
Perhaps it’s not a new beginning that I need but rather an ending to the façade.
An allowance of my roots to speak openly and honestly.
Permitting my dead ends to end without my judgment.
Being okay if they stay or if they go.
Seasons change and so do I.
I can re-do the endings however many times I want
because I’m growing
honestly.
Some of my other letters to my body parts were more traditional love letters that started with Dear ____, and I thanked the part for all it did for me through the years. This kind of journaling helped me gain an appreciation for the gifts my body has given me (strength, support, stability). I was very versed in pointing out the things I didn’t like about my body so it was new to expound on the things and reasons I valued my body. After I felt like a caring relationship had been established (this took some time) I continued exploring my core beliefs around body image. I was specifically thinking about pre-menopause changes so I put aside my expectations of “I know what you are capable of” to allow myself to curiously ask body-specific questions. These are some of the things I journaled about:
-How would you (my body) like to do things differently?
- I acknowledge your strengths of the past and that you might want to try some new things in the future. I’m open to suggestions. What are your ideas?
-Let’s talk about what my family, peers, and culture have taught me about aging and body image.
-How do I feel about my identity as it relates to my body image? What do I think will happen if it changes?
The letter writing helped me to be more thankful. After looking at all the positive parts of myself, something shifted. My energy towards myself became more loving and less fearful. I started complaining less. I also started experiencing fewer migraines because I was catching the warning signs sooner and taking better care of myself. My behaviors changed because I cared more about taking care of myself. I began to have more positive self-talk about my body:
-I will still thank you and love you even if you no longer behave in the ways I prefer.
-My love for you is not based on or reliant on your actions/behaviors.
-I will allow you to mature at your own pace. I won’t try to slow you down or speed you up.
-I encourage you to express yourself and ask me to listen. I won’t get mad when you use pain to get my attention.
-I commit to listening to your ailments and will attempt to understand even when I’m confused by what you’re saying or how you’re saying it.
-Our love is strong enough to learn a new way to communicate. Less of me telling you what to do and you listening and obeying. More of me listening and you telling me how you feel or what you think.
-I have confidence that you will know what’s best for you and that you will ask for what you need.
-I will try to stop assuming that I know what’s best and trust that God will guide the next steps.
-I acknowledge that it’s not helpful for me to compare you to others.
- I release your future to God and commit to riding out the headaches, hot flashes, hunger, unpredictability, and sleepless nights with you because I love you. I would rather live with you than without you.
-I accept that who you are is changing and I encourage you to be uniquely you.
After I internalized that compassionate self-talk I realized that I had a perspective (and language) that I could use with my teenagers. All those loving sentiments I had said to myself could be said to my teenagers. I hope that if I have an attitude of wanting to understand and accept, they will be more likely to receive my love. I don’t want my kids to wrongly believe that their worth is based on how they look. I would rather model strength in being who we truly are instead of encouraging compliance and people pleasing. Even so, I want to be okay with my kids not learning the lessons I want them to learn. If they choose a lifestyle that I would call “unhealthy” or “dangerous” I will love them anyway.
Children (and adults) intuitively know the differences between actions motivated by love or fear. If we make someone their favorite meal they will likely know if we are doing it to celebrate and enjoy eating with them or if we are using it to bargain or reward them for good behavior. If we feel like we have to earn love and rewards, it feels less joyful. This is why dieting often fails. It needs to be motivated by love. The energy behind the motivation multiplies. In an energetic sense, what you give will be given back to you (you reap what you sow).
What’s the main point?
The Golden Rule: Do to others what you would want to be done to you.
Choose compassion over judgment.
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