I am loving awareness
I am loving intention
I am loving loving
I am loving manifestations
This meditation was running through my mind as I woke up on Saturday morning. I awoke with the realization that I was home alone and could choose to sleep in, read, write, or paint this day. After writing down that meditation so I could return to it later, I decided to start the day with coffee. I headed back to bed to snuggle my pillow and listen. In childhood, I always had stuffed animals and “blankies” to comfort me. The habit was picked back up again in marriage and continues in singleness.
As I meditated, my thoughts returned to painting. I had multiple unopened paint-by-number kits ready to be started. I considered which one I would choose next. Painting, like snuggles, brings me comfort. I like to look at vibrant colors, focus on staying inside the lines, and create beauty in my home. It’s soothing to see the bigger picture becoming clearer each day.
The painting I finished last week was of a beautiful woman wearing a crown of flowers on her head. I was captivated by her tanned beauty and the happy colors of her bouquet. She was stunning at first sight. I’ve journaled about her multiple times as I sit in my chair and look at the finished painting. At first, I admired that she could sense the beauty around her even though her eyes and ears were covered with blooms. By the time I finished painting her, I had spent hours looking at her features in detail and my perception of her changed. I began painting the larger sections first because they were the most noticeable and easiest. It was soon obvious that her tan was too dark; not like the picture in the advertisement. It looked abnormal to me.
Next, after admiring her full lips I began to wish she were smiling instead of posing; silently resigned. It seemed as if she was waiting. Perhaps she was trying to balance the weight of her floral arrangement. No, it was more like a disassociated blankness. Because her eyes were hidden it was too hard to tell. Maybe she was lost in thought because she didn’t want to see or hear anything. I identified with her in so many ways.
The painting evolved with me as we sat together day after day at my living room table. She began as a white canvas with light blue outlines and came to life with each color I added. It almost felt like an out-of-body experience hovering over her, watching her transform from death to life. As she transformed before my eyes, I curiously reexamined patterns of behavior from my past. I started with the easiest and recognized the places I felt my vulnerabilities had been burned. I considered reasons and seasons when it was easier not to see or hear what was happening around me because it was too painful to admit. Outside observers told me I was beautifully strong and resilient. Part of me wanted to believe them and part of me wanted to cover up and hide. So, I did both. Just like the girl in the painting.
In his book No Bad Parts, Richard Schwartz explains how the protective parts of our consciousness lovingly shield us from trauma that is too hard to accept. If it threatens our survival, our body and brain will numb the pain so that we can continue to function and stay alive. Sometimes events are so confusing and disorienting that we forget them so we can move on. Other times we minimize their effects or make excuses for believing lies.
We see things in “hindsight “differently than when we are experiencing them. We might even appreciate the protective parts that allowed us to be in denial. Didn’t they always encourage us to seek out trustworthy people so we could tell our story? What I find most interesting is that in recent years those “trustworthy people” turned out to be parts of me within myself. When the time was right and my family was no longer in danger, my parts allowed me to see things from a new perspective.
If you have endured years of being gaslit, you likely have a hard time trusting your intuition. This happened because we felt and sensed things to be true but were manipulated with lies that we had misunderstood or misjudged the situation. Use this situation as a mirror for self-reflection. I find it helpful to make amends with those parts of myself that I believed had lied to me, clouded my senses, and betrayed me by allowing me to be in denial. These conversations with your parts don’t get resolved in one setting. Like any good relationship, it takes time to develop. Start by asking questions and listening. When I stopped blaming them I realized that they were always on my side, protecting me, and never abandoning me. I also had to confess that it was easier to blame my abusers with accusations instead of owning up to the ways I handed over my sovereignty by allowing others to tell me what to believe.
What To Do With Denial
We all know someone who we think is in denial about something, right? Our teenagers think nothing bad will ever happen to them. New parents think their baby is exceptionally smart and beautiful. Our in-laws think we want them to visit. All joking aside, denial happens because we can’t accept the truth for any number of reasons. The best way I have found to love others (myself included) who are stuck in their false beliefs is to be calmly patient with them. The timing of conscious awareness, salvation, healing, or whatever you want to call it… can only happen when they are ready. Applying pressure only makes us feel less safe and more guarded. Everyone needs the freedom to choose if and when they want to change. Being fully loved, as they are, will help them want to take that next step to seek the truth. The more secure we are, the more loving awareness will arise in our consciousness. Speaking from experience, the more secure I became, the less I pointed out others’ denial and began looking at my own. Forgiving myself was much harder than blaming others for my pain.
Sometimes our codependency with loved ones compels us to fix their problems. We think that if their problems are solved and they feel better that they will in turn treat us better. So, we spend our lives trying to manage other people’s chaos to reduce our own. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? Give yourself the gift of letting them take care of themselves (if they are adults) and you only take care of yourself (and your young children if you’re a parent). Teach your children that they can be calm, clear-minded, and at peace even when the people around them are not. You can teach them how by modeling this to them.
Be A Model of Peace
1. Release the results to God by not trying to rescue people. If they truly seek truth, they will find it without your help. If they choose to stay stuck, let them. It’s their life and their choice. You can only control yourself, so seek fulfillment and let others witness you finding it. Sometimes this requires going separate ways.
2. You can model self-love by taking care of yourself – body, mind, and soul. Start by getting to know yourself. Build a loving relationship with your child self, parent self, masculine self, feminine self, spiritual self, protective self, your body… and any other parts that reveal themselves to you. After we show our own self-protective actions compassion, it’s easier to view others' actions with less judgment.
3. Create a safe environment for you to explore what your core values are, what you like, and what you don’t like. Ideally, you should create a place to survive financially, emotionally, physically, and socially where there are no threats or danger of having to perform, pretend or please others to get your needs met.
Ways To Begin Creating Safety For Yourself
Find non-judgemental friends and mentors. I found great ones at codependency support groups that are available online, over the phone, and in person.
Be honest about the little things (and eventually big things too).
Start having loving conversations with yourself. (What comfort would you give to a friend in your situation?)
Remove feelings of obligation by not being financially dependent on others.
Take care of your survival needs for food, housing, and medical attention.
Stop apologizing so often. It’s normal to voice what you want, ask for help, and express an opinion or feeling. Try it!
Dearest,
It is possible to recover from denial, heartbreak, codependency, and abuse. Even if you feel too exhausted to put the energy into healing, you will, if that’s what you desire. You are wonderful just as you are and you are worthy of love. Be the one who loves you best. You were made to love. You’ve gotten yourself this far haven’t you?
I am loving awareness
I am loving intention
I am loving loving
I am loving manifestations
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