Earlier this month I stopped working for a week to recover from Covid. I had a lot of time to read, think deeply, swim in my pool, journal, and then contemplate some more. If you’re an introvert like me this sounds like a delicious way to spend the week, doesn’t it? In some ways it was but, I also felt vulnerable and weak which made me want to speed up my healing. With all that down time, I began reflecting on the phrase I chose as my intention for 2022: “Unhurried Asking”.
Let’s be real, healing is one of those things I have always been in a hurry to receive. To ask without being pushy is a delicate dance. While I rested, I worried about how long my illness would prevent me from working and how long the symptoms might linger. In addition, the intention to patiently take care of myself was causing further irritation because of current events. For the last few weeks, my children and I have been discussing Andrew Tate’s misogynistic teachings to young men. I’ve been incensed as we watched how long it took TikTok to remove his accounts. That same week, I listened to the confession of yet another mega-church pastor who misused his position of authority. What I wanted more than anything that week was for the whole world, myself included, to just hurry up and heal.
As a highly sensitive person (HSP) my strength lies in noticing subtleties and feeling things deeply, but it felt like a toxic cocktail when my covid sickness coincided with my menstrual cycle. Because of my personal history of abuse, I was not feeling patient nor generous, to say the least. When our greatest strengths become our greatest weaknesses it’s time to pause, reflect, and re-center ourselves.
As a highly sensitive I feel things deeply- it’s my superpower. It usually helps me have compassion and empathy for others. When I’m off-balance that same ability makes me prone to knee-jerk emotional reactions and judgments. To ground myself, I had a few dialogues (or family meetings as I like to call them) with my internal family system: my feminine part, the masculine part, my younger self, and my body. I needed to remind myself that healing is a lifelong journey that shouldn’t be rushed- for me or anyone else.
Do Parts Speak Through Triggers?
I believe that listening to these parts of my Self can be a pathway to healing. I’ve noticed parts of my Self scream at me when they’ve been ignored for too long. Migraines, insomnia, and muscle tensions force me to take an emotional inventory before things get worse. Can we entertain the thought that our subconscious self LOVES us and wants to find a better way to do life? It may be strange to personify a trigger but I invite you to consider that a trigger is just a method our body uses (the language it speaks) to get us to listen. We have many influencers in our lives from our culture, faith communities, friends, family (past experiences and present), social media, news/political parties, workplace rules, and the list goes on. Many of these voices are telling you what you “should” do. Your body, your mind, and your spirit have opinions too.
Listening Builds Trust
It may take a lot of quality time, loving yourself consistently, before your parts realize they don’t have to sabotage or scream at you to get their way. If we come to our Self with curiosity, and in a spirit of non-judgment, trust can be built in time. I’m not advocating that you act on every suggestion or feeling but listening honors the speaker as an act of respect. Trust must be established before you can negotiate the conflicting desires we have within ourselves. The goal is mutual consent so the parts can work in harmony, as a team, instead of vying for power over one another.
Considering this, and current events, I did some research on the subject of consent. This is something I am teaching my children amidst the never-ending #MeToo movement. They are engaging in debates about masochism, and dating, and need to be warned about how to identify abusive treatment from authority figures and peers. After a discussion about what consent is and isn’t I will share with you how I applied what I learned to create self-love by gaining consent from my parts before taking action.
What Is Consent?
Healthline.com defines sexual consent as “voluntary, enthusiastic and clear agreement between the participants to engage in specific sexual activity.” They also share the following guidelines to help us identify what consent is and isn’t.
Be Clear
Has your partner given verbal permission for each sexual activity? Always ask to clarify their agreement before you act. If they are silent or do not clearly answer, this should be interpreted as a “no”.
Consistently Ask for Permission
Never assume that because they have agreed in the past, they want to always. Get permission for every occasion at every step. Consent can be revoked at any time. It’s ok for someone to change their mind at any point.
Be Coherent
If your partner is intoxicated by drugs or alcohol, or asleep / not fully awake, then they are not capable of giving consent. Also, if you fail to recognize that the other person was too impaired to consent, that is considered sexual assault.
Be Aware of Coercion
Sexual or nonsexual activity that happens because of fear, guilt, or pressure is coercion. Repeated requests for sexual activity until they eventually say “yes” is not consent- it’s coercion. Being in a relationship does not obligate a person the engage in any touching, fondling, kissing, sexting, or intercourse. If your partner is not 100% comfortable let them know that there’s no harm in waiting and doing something else. It’s the responsibility of the person initiating to ensure the other person feels comfortable and safe.
Consent As a Form of Self-Love
When I journal a conversation with my parts almost inevitably some conflicting needs and desires become apparent. Part of me wants to feel, experience, and explore while the other side of me wants to observe, control, and manage. When working together- we make amazing and creative solutions. If I apply the rules of consent then I need to try to find out what barriers there are to that part of me that’s not feeling safe about the proposed action. I need to ask questions to get clarity about what feels comfortable and/or fearful. I need to also be careful not to barter or coerce to gain favors.
Have you ever done that? Here’s an example. I might promise myself that if I work long hours I will reward myself (like eating out). I end up sabotaging it because I don’t want to work more during my daughter’s sports season. In all reality, I want to leave early to catch more of her games! If I would have asked more questions about what I really wanted I could have come up with a different solution that meets both needs (watching her game and eating in a hurry).
Ideally, these conversations need to happen when I’m feeling rested and clear-minded, not rushed or impulsive. Have you ever heard of the acronym H.A.L.T? As a highly sensitive I try not to make important decisions when I’m feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. This little reminder has really come in handy with dating and parenting decisions too. I eat first, I don’t ask or allow clarifying questions too early in the morning or too late at night, and I try to make sure my emotional needs are already met before making decisions.
Why Saying "No" is Hard
HSPs and non-HSPs alike have different types of sensitivities all over the spectrum. Our past experiences and boundary violations will play a role in determining our level of comfort in saying "no". If you grew up in a household where your opinions were minimized, your “no” was called disobedience, or the needs of others were paramount to your comfort or safety, then it’s likely that your intuitive instincts were suppressed as a safety response. You had to deny your desire to meet another’s. In essence, you were conditioned to say “yes” when you didn’t feel like it. Perhaps this is the reason why so many highly sensitive people attract narcissists. We can become skilled at noticing other people’s needs and knowing how to meet them. If we’ve been expected to adapt in childhood to the needs of the family then we come by it naturally in adulthood. This conversation about consent is important because our healing depends on it.
Jay Stringer, licensed mental health therapist, minister, and researcher regularly speaks about the subject of unwanted sexual behavior. He says that childhood trauma resulting in humility and powerlessness is a predictor of the type of sexual behavior people pursue in adulthood which can repeat the cycles of abuse. The good news is that acknowledging sexual trauma is also the roadmap to our healing. Sexual fantasies that lead to abusive behavior have to do with gaining power over the other. This is the opposite of consent. Learning how to say “no” takes intentionality. Learning how to stop the cycle of abuse and create new patterns takes courage.
I only say this to point out that all of us have sexual trauma that needs healing. This discussion about sexual consent may have brought up some uncomfortable memories. Conversations about consent are not only to be had in the context of dating or marriage but in all areas of life. Everyone needs to know how to say, “no” and how to respect the boundaries of others. If you’re feeling ready to address the grief and loss associated with sexual trauma I am certified to lead an evidence-based recovery process called the Grief Recovery Method. It’s online, one on one, in the privacy of your own home. Email me at amelia.breugem@gmail.com if you’d like to set up a discovery call to learn more about it.
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