Spring is finally here and our time of wintering is over. Winter was a quiet, restorative, and restful season. It was a time of looking back and letting go. There is a certain sadness that comes with letting go and parting with the past that changed us. But there’s also gratitude for all the past taught us that we needed to know to get where we are today.
Spring is a time of planting new seeds, birthing new things, and weathering the transition well. Nature doesn’t wait until we are ready. Weeds grow even though we don’t plant them so it’s best to decide what we want to grow and do what it takes to make sure they do.
I like to enter season changes with some kind of ritual or acknowledgment of the transition. It’s a way of saying thank you and goodbye to what is being left. My ritual was changing the decorative lettering on my living room wall from REST to GROW. Maybe you will choose to pull weeds and plant something in the soil, take old clothing to the thrift store, or write a thank you letter to yourself for the past few months of winter rest. Whatever you choose to do, make a memory of it by taking physical action while you say goodbye to it. As you start to dream about what spring will bring, here are three tips to help you create the life you want.
1. Define What You Want
2. Wait For Alignment
3. Take Action And Course Correct As You Go
Define What You Want
As an HSP it’s sometimes easier to define what we don’t like. That’s ok, this will be just as helpful. Make a list of all the things you don’t like or wish you could change. Then, brainstorm a list of what the alternative or opposite of it would be.
Ask yourself what you fear and why. Our actions stem from a belief. For example, you could ask yourself, “What do I believe about wealth?” Write down the first things that come to mind. You might be surprised when memories flood your mind of the experiences that taught you to believe what you believe. Now that you are an adult you have a different perspective and might decide to change what you believe about money. What do you want to believe now? These beliefs will determine what you do.
Wait For Alignment
Have you ever felt stuck in inaction because part of you wants to hurry up and get it done while another part of you wants to make a plan first? It can be the same tug of war with almost anything; even grief work. Alignment is achieved when these different parts of us can agree to disagree with compassion for each other. You can learn to validate yourself that it’s normal to feel this way and still find an action that honors both letting go and moving on. This takes patience, empathy, and listening skills. Yes, that’s right. Listening skills for yourself! If we focus too much on who or what is to blame for our grief it will only grow. Noticing is the beginning of consciousness and the way you get to choose what you focus on. I’ll give an example of how I do this with parts work but first, let’s discuss the last tip: taking action and learning from it.
Take Action
Once you have defined what you want and have come up with an action step that all parts of you agree is worth the effort, then you need to act on it. If you don’t, it’s like telling yourself that what you want doesn’t matter. This is not self-love. What you want to do is show yourself that you are not inconsistent, dismissive, or avoidant. If you ignore or dismiss a part of yourself they will only scream louder to be heard. This may take the form of sickness or self-sabotage. Instead, prove to yourself that you do care about satisfying your wants and needs.
You are the best person in the world to advocate for your dreams to come true. You can build self-trust when you listen and act in a loving way to yourself. Be forgiving when you don’t do something perfectly by telling yourself, “I’m learning as I go”. You can start to understand what a secure attachment feels like when you allow yourself to bond with the inner part of YOU first. You can create a safe environment for rebuilding trust in your intuition. It’s never too late to start this process. So, go on… plant those seeds of self-love and watch them grow. Not sure how or where to start? I like the Internal Family Systems approach, more generally known as parts work.
The term “parts” refers to the different roles or sub-personalities we have within us. It’s our internal system of countless parts who interact internally with each other and externally with other people. These parts can become burdened, protective, and injured by trauma. There is a core in each person that is not a part, and this is the Self. According to the IFS founder Richard Schwartz, when the Self is acting like its truest essence there is curiosity, calm, clarity, connectedness, confidence, courage, creativity, and compassion. The goal of IFS is to embody the Self and heal our injured parts.
How I Do Parts Work
There are many ways to do parts work, also known as shadow work. I won’t explain the details, but I encourage you to study it on your own. The dialogue below will introduce you to the concept. A person’s parts may present a myriad of ways but mine have chosen to represent themselves as my Body, Mind, and Soul. Perhaps someday I will tell you the story of how it came to be that these parts of me received nicknames but for now, I will just introduce them as A (mind), 8 (physical body), and DP (heart/soul). The following conversation is between my Self and these parts. I often take my starting point of these conversations from my dreams where I feel my subconscious shows me my feelings more honestly than when I’m awake. The characters in my dreams are sometimes representative of my parts (masculine characters are my Mind, feminine characters are my Heart).
Self: I’m feeling weepy this morning. Sad, like the grey sky. Are these spring break blues because we don’t have any fun vacation plans this year? Or maybe it’s just collective sadness with the war in Ukraine and sickness all around us?
My dream last night was about trying so hard to please and satisfy others.My Mind felt unappreciated and angry when it wasn’t ever doing enough, and more was demanded or asked of her. She told my Heart, “Look at everything I do for you and you keep asking for something better, more, or different!”
It doesn’t matter what the source of my sadness is. I’m not going to overanalyze it. I’m not playing that game anymore. You know, the one where I figure out the source, conditions, and causes and then avoid, pre-plan or manipulate things so it doesn’t happen again. It’s exhausting. Let’s come up with a different plan. Is anyone available for a family meeting?
A: Did I hear you say plan? Yes, ma’am, I’m here!
8: Stomach is hurting, and chest was fluttery earlier. Head was abnormally sleepy too. We need a solution because our ecosystem feels wintery and anticipating a change.
DP: I’m here. Tired, but present. Can we listen to a meditation before we start?
Self: That’s an excellent idea- are the rest of you up for that?
A: Honestly, I’d rather get straight to problem-solving but I know it will only take a few minutes to meditate and it will help 8 and DP feel better so I guess I’m okay with starting with that.
…. (after the meditation)
Self: (sigh) That felt good. Thank you for the idea DP and thank you for waiting A. So, I just wanted to acknowledge the sadness I’m feeling and ask if any of you have something you want to say about it?
DP: I want to say thank you for allowing us to take a nap today. I know you had plans for cleaning the house but it was nice to give our mind and heart a break from the sadness. It felt like a patient response. Different too. There was not the familiar urgency to figure out what caused it. It was nice. What has shifted?
A: I think I’m starting to realize that my success with problem-solving depends heavily on timing. I need the heart and soul to tell me when to take action or else I’m spinning my wheels and going nowhere.
DP: That’s cool. I feel like I’m also paying more attention to 8 and how the body feels before rushing into things too. I’m becoming more tolerant of sadness and anger because I see their value and messages as clues instead of threats to be extinguished.
Self: When did this start happening?
A: I believe when you started these family meetings and began listening to us. You started asking us how we felt and why. I guess I never questioned the way we did things before that.
DP: Yeah, I feel less pressure since the family meetings started, too. Even your drive for dream interpretation has relaxed. It’s as if you have more confidence that the answers and revelation will come when they need to come.
Self: Yes, I do. I also feel more confident knowing that we will talk about things together. I feel safer knowing you will talk to me now. At first you were too mad at me to talk. I like having access to your input and memories. I don’t feel so alone when making decisions anymore. And I know you will forgive me when I mess up because I see how you always have been there for me keeping me alive no matter what. I really appreciate you guys!
8: I appreciate your willingness to learn a new language and to listen and blunder through the messages we send you. I see you pondering the reason behind your cracked lips and fingernails. I look forward to the day you receive your understanding of it!
Self: So do I- and all the other bodily ailments too! While we are on the subject, can I ask a favor of everyone? I’d like your help getting our body stronger and more agile. I feel so slow and weak after a long winter indoors. I think there’s untapped potential for greater things we all can achieve. I’m asking for belief changes, motivations, energy, time, monetary resources… whatever it takes to get physically stronger and healthier. Let’s be clear; I’m not looking for a high sensation-seeking challenge. I want us to figure out a way to ALLOW it to happen easily and I’m willing to wait for it if the timing isn’t right now. Let’s just agree to start focusing our intentions on health and strength together and see what that leads us to, ok?
A: Aye, aye, captain!
8: (fist bump, smile, and head nod)
DP: Amen and amen!
If your heart is asking for help with the grief you feel, then please don’t delay. If you struggle with sleeplessness, fatigue, forgetfulness, and diminished desires for the things you used to enjoy then please take the action steps that lead to a sense of completion. I am happy to help you. Email me for a free consultation at amelia.breugem@gmail.com.
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