This fall I have enjoyed the season differently. Instead of harvesting from my backyard garden, I have been riding along with my boyfriend as he harvests with the combine and semi. It’s been fun to sit in the passenger seat. I had no responsibilities but to offer companionship. Granted, the bounty was not mine to keep but I appreciated that the harvesting happened without my help.
If you are a high achieving HSP (highly sensitive person) you may have mixed feelings about the role of being a passenger instead of the driver. If you have spent most of your life as the one in charge, making things happen, organizing and orchestrating your world to have less chaos… not being in control can be a scary proposition. Codependency can cause us to not feel ok when others are not ok. So often we take it upon ourselves to curate and manipulate our relationships so that others are calmer, happier, and less stressed out. We think if they are happy, our chances of happiness will be higher too. Does this sound familiar? I admit that I’ve invested a lot of energy in the growth and happiness of others with the hopes that it would help me in the end. During my childhood, there used to be a saying in my community that went like this:
J.O.Y. is putting
Jesus first,
Others second and
Yourself last.
I misinterpreted this to mean that my needs and desires were not important. I also thought that I was obligated to first make Jesus happy, then make others happy, so that I could earn my own happiness. I became a “people pleaser” and “rescuer” because it felt good to be appreciated for being a helper. I understand it differently now…. that instead of focusing on obligatory giving I need to focus on receiving first so that I have something to give. When I have so much love from the Creator of the Universe flowing into me that my needs and desires are satisfied and overflowing… I will enjoy giving to others because my needs and desires have already been satisfied by that great love. It’s hard to give cheerfully and generously when I'm so focused on surviving. Now I know to look for the warning signs that I am low on love (feeling lonely or unloved). The sign is the feeling of fear.
Fear Causes Triggers
When my body is feeling triggered, my heart and mind race. I am looking for a way to escape or hide from stress. Words become confusing and I find it difficult to talk. My body may ache, get sick, or feel off balance. When this happens, I ask myself this question: “What message are you trying to tell me?” I get curious about finding out what caused the discomfort. Do I feel rushed to make a decision or to respond? I try not to punish or criticize myself for feeling agitated and fearful. The reason I spent a lifetime trying to make others happy was that I didn’t know how to be comfortable with my own discomfort. If I didn’t have a solution, I felt impatient and afraid. I couldn’t love myself unless I had a purposeful plan. I wanted to be productive, successful, and pleasant. I felt like a failure when bombarded with feelings of sadness, anger, disgust, fear, and doubt… and therefore I couldn’t love others when they felt likewise. I was working the J.O.Y. equation backward for so long! Nowadays I practice self-compassion and that experience teaches me how to have compassion for others too.
Joy Causes Generosity
A few weeks ago, I removed the word “PLAY’ that I had displayed all summer in my living room as the intention of the season and replaced it with the word “ENJOY”. During the fall season, I remember the past and try to be thankful for the lessons that failures have taught me. I intentionally try to enjoy life lessons instead of criticizing them.
A few days after I displayed the word “ENJOY” the “J” fell to the ground during the night as I slept. You see, my son and I had modified the “J” by gluing Legos onto the bottom curve so it would stand straight. I was so disappointed to find the “J” face up on the ground instead of standing firmly centered where I placed it. But after pausing to consider the message I began to get curious. I was making the “J” act like the other letters even though the curve and design of the “J” are different and will not easily stand without assistance. The “J” simply took a rest (landed facing upward) from performing (facing outward). In turn, this changed the message from “ENJOY” to “ENOY” which sounds like annoy. That's not the intention I wanted to project. I asked myself why I was so annoyed that my modification didn’t work. It was because I had invested time, money, and hopes for a permanent fix. The need for extra help to balance and stand straight felt like a sign of failure and weakness when it didn’t last.
I had to laugh a few days later when the potted plant on the opposite wall fell to the ground and made a mess of dirt and leaves on the floor during the night. It was overgrown and needed to be repotted. I took the opportunity to consider if I was expecting it to carry too much weight and trying too hard to make it look good. It was a similar problem to that of the fallen “J”.
Shifting Our Holiday Expectations
This season and the next are full of holiday opportunities. I understood the multiple warnings to not try so hard to look good or to pretend to be like those around me. I see that it’s ok to ask for help. It’s wise to make sure I’m rested and full of love before I give to others. I don’t have to modify who I am to fit in. It’s ok to rest. I don’t even have to force myself to enjoy things… feeling annoyed is ok because it shows me where changes need to happen. I can even be sad on a holiday and not call it a failure.
The more freedom I give myself to accept my feelings as they come the less fear I have that they will ruin my life. They are welcome to come and welcome to leave. There’s no rush to figure out what caused them or to avoid them, hide them, or camouflage them. They can change when they choose to… and I will still love them. Standing or resting, driving or as the passenger, known or unknown, invited or unplanned. I will not be annoyed by their presence. Isn’t that the true meaning of joy? It’s a feeling of delight and well-being. The natural response to feeling joyful is generosity, which is a sign that one is no longer triggered and fearful but living from their truest, most authentic version of self.
I hope that your holidays are full of joy, rest, and well-being! If you need a safe place to talk about your feelings, you can book a session with me and we can talk over the phone or on Zoom. I won’t try to change you… we can just be curious together. Contact me at amelia.breugem@gmail.com
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