Sometimes holidays and the anniversary of something sad happen all in the same week. It's just an unavoidable reality of life. I was signing divorce documents during my lunch break on my birthday and two days later it was finalized in court. That was many years ago and I don't have much sadness about it anymore but sometimes I am surprised by the memories and feelings that surface. I try to schedule special self-care for myself (aka a massage and lots of friend time) just in case. I am thankful for the friends that celebrate my birthday all week not even knowing how our time together is such a blessing to me. This year I got sick during my birthday week and had to cancel many of my plans. It was hard to accept. The following script is the conversation I had with myself about it. I love parts work and these parts of me symbolize my head, my heart, and my body- all of which have been lovingly nicknamed by God.
SELF: Hey Parts- Since we’re quarantined all week we better cozy up and settle in together. Let’s have a family meeting. How does everyone want to spend the week?
DP: I guess we’re forced to rest. Fear of loneliness is causing me to have a little pity party. I’m upset that I had to cancel some of my birthday celebrations. I was really looking forward to them especially since my divorce anniversary is the same week.
Admiral: Rest is not easy for me. I always have an unfinished list of things to do. I say we keep busy with some of these things….
8: Wait! We have five days of this. Let’s not look at the to-do list just yet. Let’s nap, bake, and watch TV in our PJs. Doesn’t that sound more comforting?
DP: Ooh, that sounds great! I also want to journal, listen to podcasts, call my friends, and process my feelings (sigh).
Admiral: No ma’am, that is not going to help matters. If we feel our feelings nothing will get done. You’ll end up stuck on the couch all week. We have taxes to file, dishes to wash, laundry to fold, and food to bake… sadness will only slow us down and muck up our ability to think clearly.
DP: Are you certain? I do agree that too many carbs and too much TV will mess with our head but I also recall 8 giving us a migraine last time we forced ourselves to stay busy instead of addressing the issue. What are you afraid to talk about Admiral?
Admiral: I just know what I want- which is to set goals, make a vision board, map out a business plan for 2023 and plan our budget so we can take those vacations we talked about. We can rest after I make provisions for us to rest. I feel we’re all safer when there’s a plan to follow.
8: That’s really sweet of you to be thinking ahead and wanting to give us more. Thank you! I see your intentions are good but sometimes you push too hard, Admiral. It’s hard for me to keep up sometimes. I also want to say that I only send migraines when nobody listens to my requests for rest.
DP: We all want the same things. Clarity, safety, comfort. I’m glad we’re figuring out what we like. That’s progress! We’re not resentfully fulfilling other people’s expectations and desires as much as we used to. That brings us back to the original question- what do WE want to do this week?
SELF: Let’s brainstorm a flexible plan that allows us all to get what we want. Thankfully, we have enough time for that to happen.
Admiral: But I don’t want to be sad when I make plans for the future. If DP gets her way I’m afraid we’ll be depressed all week.
DP: Actually, I had that in mind Admiral when I suggested journaling. After I get my racing thoughts out on paper and validated by friends our mind is clearer and calmer. This allows us to engage with more curiosity and open-minded creativity. Do you see it differently?
Admiral: Well, I guess eventually that’s true. I just wish I knew how long it would take to achieve. I admit I was in a hurry and the thought of getting my list finished this week was an appealing challenge.
8: I hate to be hurried. It makes me feel anxious and jittery.
Admiral: I guess I don’t need to finish all my tasks this week. I’ll be happy if the taxes get filed, the dishes are washed, and I get to spend a few hours working on the other projects. And I’m not opposed to relaxing and viewing this as a cheap staycation, especially if it helps achieve more creative planning.
SELF: I think I hear an agreement. Shall we spend the first two days relaxing, journaling, and baking, and the last three days we can schedule in time for taxes, chores, and vision casting the future?
Everyone: DEAL!
DP: Admiral, can you commit to not rushing our resting? On days 1 and 2 we get to spend however much time doing whatever we feel like. If we stay in bed for two days or watch TV for two days it’s got to be ok with you. Do you willingly agree to not put any pressure or guilt on us? We need your help to feel safe enough to be vulnerable.
Admiral: Yes ma’am, I can give you that. I know you need it and I know it will be worth it in the end. How can I help you feel safe enough to feel your feelings?
DP: Please don’t judge us. Let us BE and not DO. Love us when we look messy. Allow us to be unimpressive, fearful, and negative. Just hold us tight and keep us safe like you always do.
Admiral: Aye Aye!
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